“Be a good girl”, my mother warned. But she didn’t have to say it. My Dad had a loud voice and a volatile temper. Spanking was not out of the question. My brother and I expected to be punished for bad behavior. We may not have worried about suspensions at school but we worried about actions and reactions at home. We did not cross him; or any grown-up for that matter.

Like it or not, we knew our place in the lineage. Children and adults were not equals. As such, we didn’t have the same rights and privileges.

I am now a mother of three; two of whom are in middle school. I wonder now how my father endured thirty-five years of middle school administration. They couldn’t have paid ME enough.

"When I respond NO, the immediate counter is WHY?"

My husband and I try to follow an organized system to raising our children. But the only thing for which I’m certain is that we utilize the tools that were successful in our own upbringing; distilling the techniques that now feel old fashioned. We support our sons’ efforts in all aspects of their lives. But how much of the responsibility is ours and how much do they need to experience first-hand?

Our first brush on the other end of NO was when I told my toddler (now thirteen) not to eat the cat’s dry food from her bowl. “NO”, he told me; continuing to scoop out handfuls of tuna-flavored kibble. When my middle son (now twelve) took his older brother’s teddy from his crib, I told him: “Put that back, it’s not yours”. “NO”, he cried, running quickly with Teddy in hand.

Lately, “NO” has evolved into “WHY?”  When I respond NO, the immediate counter is WHY? They honestly expect an explanation for a parental decision. It shocked me at first; particularly because it was so opposite to my own experience. But, throughout the past few years, I’ve learned to brace myself for the argument. I explain regularly that I do not make requests. Rather, I make statements. This concept is foreign to them. They have become master negotiators.